A saturday in Sept.

Well many things have happened since my last visit to the blog. Nobody reads this so it doesnt even matter. I've been with NY Life for about a month now and have still not triggered to full time. It is costing me money to be there and I am not really passionate about the job. Just cant get motivated to do it for some reason.

I have however been working on many new projects. Tons of cool new stuff including Gargoyles, Colorful Frogs and Turtles and Dragons. Last month I had a good sale to one collector and got $450 for several pieces. It was a fair price for everything he selected and I appreciate that he was willing to pay me for the time and the effort to create the pieces. Some of my best work to date.

I sure wish something would happen with the art. Just seems like I've been doing it for so long and it's just never really caught on anywhere.

It's Tuesday. The weekend is already over and I cant say that I mind. I do hate the work I'm doing right now but at least I have a place to go. I followed up with NY life and everything seems to be a go. The trainer has still not contacted me and that seems odd. I guess there is no huge hurry as they have not received my temporary license yet. It's going to be tough to get it going but given opportunity and training I think I can build it into something that will sustain me. I have a few good friends here that I think will be of help also. I just got back from the Gym. Rene cancelled on me and has some new clients in that time slot. I wonder if I'm being replaced. I hope not. Training is one of the positive things in my life. Instead of training I did a five mile run. I feel good, although I have a blister on my foot. Part of breaking in new shoes I suppose. Art class was a little better this week. We just had the kids in the morning cut out shapes with cookie cutters then in the afternoon we actually made monkeys. Total of six hours at the studio though I did not work on any real projects of my own yet. The couple hundred extra bucks for the month is going to come in handy. Perhaps that is what I can pay Rene with to keep up the training. Other job possibilities include cleaning slaughter houses, selling housed, selling security systems to businesses and travelling round the country trying to sell artwork. Which would you pick? I know what I would pick but certain financial obligations over the next three years make it important to earn a minimum wage that is far above the national minimum. Looking forward to completing child support payments so i can focus on eliminating debt. I was doing quite well till recently. Over the last two weeks its been going in the wrong direction.

Sunday

It's sunday...Blah. Finished a long week of work and now a day off. Not such a good thing for me. Last night I went out to a few bars...four to be exact. Had one drink at each one came home and went to sleep. I didn't say one word to one person at any of the bars. This morning I took Virginia (my daughter) to get a new Ipod at Best Buy. She saved up half and I put the other half on a credit card. I didn't have any money to pay for the other half, hence the all powerful credit card. After that we had breakfast washed my car, copied some music over to an external hard drive and then i took her home. After that I went to a movie with a friend of mine named Mike. He is a friend. Its now about ten PM and and I've had about six beers. I'm lonely. It is by choice mostly, but I do feel lonely, something is missing. I want to go out and find the thing that will fill the empty space in my soul, or is it my heart. Are artists supposed to be alone? Does all great art come from pain and suffering? Is my art even good? I dont know. Van Gogh sold only one painting in his entire life. I've sold thousands of dollars worth of my art. Does that make me better than Van Gogh? It certainly makes me more commercial than Van Gogh. Why do I even ponder such things. I've been off of pot for two weeks now and know that it is important that i stay clean in case of a drug test from any potential employers. It is best from my health I know. I have been smoking cigs but not to great excess. One a night four or five on a weekend. Not a whole lot but I feel that I should not. Probably should not drink six beers either. Maybe eight is better. I have been working out at the gym and have lost at least ten lbs I'm sure over the last few months. I've not weighed myself but I know my weight is down from the need to pull my belt tighter and the black wear line on the brown belt from where it was previously secured. I teach tomorrow over at the art school and feel like it is a total waste of time. The children are way too younge and are not interested in learning anything. "It's hard, can you help me, I cant do it," are what I hear on a regular basis and we ar enot doing anything hard. I am simply babysitting and I resent it. Good night.

Almost 42

I'll be 42 on tuesday. I'll be unemployed shortly after that. We were notified that the english sales positions in El Paso are being eliminated. THere is not a specific drop dead date yet. I figure some time by July. I have been interviewing with NY life to go into financial planning. Take the sales job to the next level. I hear a lot of negativity about how "hard" it is to make it in that line of work. Not any harder than making it as an Artist I'm sure. I will start teaching again soon which will be fun. An adult class and a class for children. A little extra cash will be nice

1st of the month.

I'm a bit under the weather. Runny nose sore throat. I had yesterday off and will take today off as well. I've interviewed for a job cleaning poultry processing plants. It's a management job and would give me great benefits. I'm not sure I should pursue it or just be happy with what I have. I've been doing well with Dish and get my bills paid and life is ok.

No great revelations no great passion just live and work and sleep and eat. Just getting on the treadmill and walking but getting nowhere. Where am I trying to get to? I'm not sure, just feel like there is something I'm missing. I'm not sure what to write about sometimes but feel the need to express myself. Usually I write a page in my journal daily. Not saying anything profound or terrific or expertly crafted just observations and feeling. I think about my old journal that was stolen along with some books, sculpting tools and clay, from my car. I wish I still had that journal. The drawings were cool, The writing had interesting stuff. And I'm almost positive that it is sitting in a dumpster or a landfill decomposing as I write this. I'm contact information was in the bag. Its more than a year now since the stuff dissapeared from my car while parked at the fox glove apts.

I almost hope that I scared away the slaughter house folks with my 900 a week request. Moving is probably not the solution to what ailes me. I wish I felt better. I think I might smoke today after Rayce gets up. Just a little. I need to get some projects completed and really hope that Rayce gets the oven fixed today. Without working at dish today I need to get some stuff completed so that i can sell it when i need the money. I'm running out of room for stuff though. I hate trying to market my work.

Up late.

Sunday night and i cant sleep. Mostly
because i took a nap for a few hours this afternoon. I've volunteered to work overtime tomorrow. A couple extra sales would be good. I need to really focusing on the elimination of all substances from my body. I cant afford to not have my job right now.

The random drug testing policy has me a little worried. It would be tragic to lose my job over something stupid like that. More importantly it is not good for my body and i can feel it not being good for me. I just cant figure out how to stop.
I went to breakfast with Suzy. A Mexican buffet. I was not very hungry. I was high. It was good to see her. I wish she were happier.
I have many art projects in process at the moment. A pink elephant, a dragon, several turtles. A clay painting as well. I should use the frames i bought from the craft shop. Seems like there is not enough time to do everything. Mike has me looking into opening a bar/pool hall in Las Cruces. Get the digital sign working correctly. Find out about liquor license and then from olehausen if they will lease tables to us and what the cost would be. I've not reread this and it is probably not punctuated and all completely correctly, So sue me. :)
Goodnight.

Up early.

Up early this morning. Went to bed at about nine after eating a quick supper at long john's. I love the malt vinegar on the battered fish.

I gotta get up and get moving soon. Got to be out on the east side for work by eight. Mandatory over time today.

The picture to the left is of several giraffes i created over the summer. All these pieces sold. For not much money either. Just not motivated to work on art as of late. The energy of this house and of Rayce is not conducive to being productive. I will move out by June 1st if he has not sold the house. At least by then the car payments will be gone and hopefully one of the credit card billswill be gone. Then perhaps i will be able to afford a new place. A new place alone will give me way more time to be productive and create new pieces of art. In process are an elephant, several turtles, elves, a wizard, a Chinese dragon and many other half finished pieces i need to complete.

I've been up since about four now. Turned the TV on at about 5 and got the laptop out at about quarter after. Need to be out the door by seven and still need to shave and get dressed.

Someone asked me if i was reborn yesterday. I did not have a quick answer. Now that I've been thinking about it i would have to say no. Not that I don't believe in god or believe in what the christian religion says about living your life. For the most part I have no problem with religion or faith or Christianity. It does many wonderful things. The fellowship that exists when people have a common belief or desire is amazing. What spoils it is people. People are selfish, narcissistic, and fearful, and sinful. It's not their fault though. It is a human condition.

Maybe my rebirth is just not an easy one. Perhaps the labor is long and the pains are deep. Maybe it is because i am fearful, selfish, narcissistic, and sinful. An epidural would help i suppose.